Understand After-School Meltdowns: A Parent's Guide to Support and Management

School is back in full swing, and so are the afterschool meltdowns. It seems that everyday your child comes home and can’t keep it together. Teachers report she's a joy to have in class, but as soon as she gets home, the meltdown begins. You hoped that this year would be different. That your child had matured and would be the sweet and happy kid you know them to be. But, here we are again; another school year and more meltdowns.

If this sounds familiar, you’ve come to the right place. As a parent, nothing is worse than seeing your child struggle with afterschool meltdowns. When this continues day after day it becomes exhausting. While we don’t have an overnight fix, we do have some tools that can help ease your stress and help you manage those afterschool meltdowns. First I want to say, it is extremely normal for a child to be well behaved all day at school, and then come home a seemingly different kid. But how can this be normal? Am I doing something wrong? You may ask. The truth is, these meltdowns may actually be a sign that your child feels safe and connected to you, not that you’re doing something wrong. 

Sitting in class, keeping their body still, following directions, holding it together when a classmate teases them, and so on. Throughout the school day your child is likely spending a LOT of energy trying to “be good” and fit in. While sitting still all day in class might be easy for some children, for many children it takes an extreme amount of energy for this self control! Some kids may be able to express their emotions in the moment to their teacher or classmates. Others may do everything they can to hold their emotions in, beneath the surface, only for them to erupt once they’re back to their safe place-- home. Other children may spend energy attempting to engage in social interactions with students and teachers trying to appear “normal” rather than being themselves. These types of behaviors are known as masking. Masking is the hiding or camouflaging of behaviors, traits, or other aspects of the authentic self in order to fit into the “norm” or avoid potential harm that could result from not masking. Masking is commonly done by neurodivergent individuals (those with Autism and ADHD), or individuals with social anxiety. But masking is something everybody does occasionally.

Your child may mask at school in order to meet classroom expectations or to fit in, but when they finally return home and unmask, the result can be an intense outpouring of dysregulation that your child can’t manage on their own. So as parents, what can we do? First, we can make space for our child to experience their emotions. These after school meltdowns are not your child’s way of trying to manipulate you to get out of homework or extracurricular activities. We don’t have to attempt to stop or punish children for these meltdowns. Rather, allowing your child to safely express their emotions in your calm and comforting presence allows your child to let out the feelings they have likely been holding in all day. Your child will regulate more quickly when you simply allow them to be, letting them know you’re there if they need you.

Another way we can manage these meltdowns is to understand what they may be communicating. Oftentimes children become dysregulated when they are hungry, tired, or in pain. Having an after school snack ready and allowing some time for your child to rest and unwind can help them to refill their emotional cup, which is likely running on empty after a long school day. Making sure that our child’s sensory needs are met is another way we can support our child in regaining regulation from an afterschool meltdown. Some children need physical activity like jumping or swinging to regulate. Others may regulate with the help of a weighted blanket or stuffed animal. Another child may need a quiet, dimly lit room. Observing your child can help you find clues to the ways in which they regulate, and what they may need to support their regulation after a long school day. 

Finally, taking care of yourself goes a long way in helping your child. As parents, if we are stressed, irritable and angry we cannot effectively support our children. Taking time away to cool down before coming back to our child allows us to be present and help our children to regulate through our own calm. Having a plan for navigating afterschool can allow you to feel more confident about how to give your child the support they need. If you are struggling to manage this on your own, or you feel your child could use additional support, Mind and Body Therapeutic Connections has therapists for both supporting parents and children. You don’t have to do this alone, we are here to help!